And now, for something a little bit different… in honor of Thanksgiving, here’s an article I wrote for my Onion class at Second City:
Presidentially-Pardoned Tofurkey Will Lead Long and Happy Life
WASHINGTON — In a tradition that dates back to the time of Abraham Lincoln, President Obama used his executive privilege this Wednesday to pardon one very lucky tofurkey. Champion, a two-pound eight-ounce tofu-wheat loaf from Hood River, Oregon, was chosen out of thirty tofurkeys bred specifically for this honor.
The president performed the official pardon at the White House’s annual Thanksgiving Eve Rose Garden Ceremony, where he drew laughs from reporters with a lighthearted speech. “This is one of the most important duties I have as President of the United States, and I do not take it lightly,” Obama said. “I hereby declare that Champion will not be joining his friends alongside the kale mashed potatoes and the brown-rice-and-spirulina stuffing at the Thanksgiving table. Champion will skip the Whole Foods refrigerated section this year to live out the remainder of his life at Frying Pan Park in Herndon, Virginia.”
According to sources at Frying Pan Park, despite the occasional nibble from other previously pardoned turkeys living at the park, Champion is enjoying the remainder of his life safe from the hungry mouths of vegans.